A Story About a Videogame; Amanda Finds Herself On the Slippery Slope to Nerd Valley

I have been drowning myself in video games, lately. This is quite unusual as I generally try to avoid them. Modern video games tend to nauseate me with the way they move, even the good ones will give me a mild headache. I am having a mild headache right now, actually. I am on break from this one game I found in Brian and Heather's stack of games. It is called Fable. I am playing it miserably, and suck at quests and all of that shit. But I enjoy the ways you can interact with the other people. I started out being very Good, and people would cheer for me as I walked along. But then, Brian influenced me in terrible ways.

The Evil started around the time when I was courting a simple townwoman. Her heart was pretty big for me, if you know what I mean, but when I offered her a ring she rejected me! I was pretty angry, and I also thought she stole the ring... So I punched her in the face. She ran away crying and I realized that I still had the ring. So I decided that maybe marriage wasn't for me.

Of course, two minutes later, I had seduced another man's wife. The man was even standing right there crying "She's all I've got in the world!" That didn't stop me from putting the ring on her finger, however. In fact, it sort of convinced me that I should. Then she followed me around, nagging about a house, and we went to my home town where I got into a brawl with bareknuckle street fighters. I punched the biggest man who then informed me that if I did it again, there would be a reckoning.

I punched him no less than five more times in a rapid frenzy.

So the whole group ganged up on me. I cast my berserk spell and beat the shit out of them all. In retrospect, I realize that my wife was probably included. At any rate, after my spell wore off, they rallied themselves and started killing me. So I teleported the fuck out of there, assuming my lady would be included. She was not.

So I waited until daybreak and mosied back into town, where I found a lot of girls who were very much in love with me, but, I am ashamed to admit, I could not remember what my wife looked like. I do think I found her, however, and asked her to follow me. She asked for another wedding ring. I needed to do some thieving, as my funds were low, and I was intent on getting that damned ring and then the damned house she had been bitching about earlier. However, as I rifled through someone else's house, the lady shouted in a panic "You'll get caught!" And then tore out of the house shouting "Guards! Guards!"

That stupid, ungrateful wench.

Of course, I couldn't pay the fine, so I decided to kill every single guard in that village, as well as several of the townspeaople. Including my ex-wife. I killed shopkeepers, barmaids, children, the elderly. No one was safe.

This was when I decided to go back to my guild and attack my Guildmaster, which led to the funniest scenes in the game to date. Basically, when you strike him, he simply says "Have more respect for me! I could break you." So I struck him dozens and dozens of times, often in combination with steroid spells, where he literally spun in little circles and landed on his face, only to get up and offer yet another empty threat. Eventually I grew tired of this and killed a tour guide, many tourists, and several students. Then the guards came in endless amounts. I killed plenty, but eventually they got me down, fined me $250, and threw me out of the building.

Then I went on a murdering rampage, leaving a picnic area soaked in blood. My joy was just approaching people and socking them in the face. Or shooting them with my crossbow from 4 inches away. Also, in my most depraved moment, the last lady left alive, coweing in a corner, I would shift between punching her, flirting, and shocking her with a lightning bolt for a second at a time. Eventually she died with a well-placed arrow in her chest.

She must have reminded me of my ex-wife.



Video games must be bad.

Not in the Mood for a Title

The weather forecast calls for over a foot of snow tonight. The temperatures had climbed up to the mid-20s these past few days, after several days of subzero times. But this is to be expected now.

Today, I am scheduled to go over to my other friends' house. It will begin my several days of joy. And possibly monumental amounts of gin. You see, I will be staying with Tiny Fortune and his fine lady, Heather. Some of you may recognize Tiny Fortune as the hero of that spectacular band Tiny Fortune and the Millionaires. ( http://www.tinyfortune.com ) I am excited for this upcoming time. They also live closer to downtown Madison, and I will get to play with enormous domesticated cats instead of enormous domesticated ferrets.

After this stay, I should be off to Milwaukee for a week or so, and then back to Madison, hopefully in time for a Lion Dance.

I look forward to the Chinese New Year.


And not just because it will be the Year of the Cock.

January's Time Has Been All Jagged

I have even less awareness of time than usual since I am on "vacation." And I am forced to use the term lightly. It isn't much different than my usual life except that I am 400 miles from where I normally waste my Time, and am being somehow even LESS productive. I'm at that point where I would have to start breaking shit and fucking with everyone else while they are trying to do their work to get any less productive than I've been being. But I kind of like it.

Strangely, as I must complain about something all the time, I have discovered that my hip hurts. It feels as though my hip socket is wearing out and that I am starting to hobble down the path that leads to the fake hip that old people are equipped with. Only I'll probably have it when I am 27. Or, I will if I ever get health insurance. Otherwise I will have to fashion one myself out of tree parts, cheap cloth, and twine. And somehow surgically implant it in ways I dare not think of at this moment.

I am still having a fine time here, though. Despite the fact that it has become unrealistically cold. Tonight, when we went out to eat, I felt like my face was about to freeze solid and then drop off, leaving my skull and a few face muscles exposed to the world. But I wouldn't bleed from it because my blood would be frozen solid. For certain though, all of the moisture in the inside of my nose abruptly froze. It was the most maddening sensation because it feels like your nose is doing something god-awful. And you think that passersby will be horrified because your nose looks like it is turning inside out or something like that. So I'd continually be rubbing at my nose, thinking that that would somehow improve my situation. I actually didn't know what was happening for the longest time, until I was like "Is my nose-moisture freezing?" And my friends were like "Yes, probably. It is ten below zero and the wind is blowing hard directly into your face."

Then I ate sushi.

It is a logical cold weather food. Sushi. Because when you are walking and freezing to death, nothing sounds better than uncooked food. Raw fish conjures thoughts of warmed bellies, doesn't it though? An interesting thing happened while at the Japanese Restaurant. Mark was recently telling tales of horrible service from the waistaff of many different eateries in his life. I found myself at the other end of the Service Spectrum tonight. We had service so good that it was actually a little annoying. I don't know, now, if I would find it more irritating to sit around waiting impatiently for my waitress to ask me if I needed anything else, or if it is actually worse to have a variety of waitresses coming by every 35 seconds to check on me. You sit there and try to have dinner conversation while 3 little Japanese ladies are cleaning your freshly dirtied dish out from under your face, while it is still in use, and having a fresh plate immediately put in its place. And having the water refilled after every third sip. It's a bit much.

I am guessing it's a cultural thing. I am not too learned on Japanese Culture at all, but I would imagine that being so attentive is just to show the good manners and all of that stuff. Whereas the American culture creates waiters and waitresses who let you know just how much they resent having to serve hungry people, and how much they resent having to work at all, by practically telling you "I am just here because I want to buy things for myself. I hope your dining experience is shitty."

I don't like bad and angry service, I've decided. But I also am made uncomfortable by waiters who are TOO attentive. So, I don't know. I'm all middle-of-the-road on this matter.

I did get to have a big raw slab of octopus though. omg mmmm

Good Times!

Hello, Party People. Greetings from Wisconsin.

So I have been here for about a week now. It is very nice here in the Dairy State. I have been spending the time with my good friends, Jeff and Jillian, in their fine home which is very comfortable. We have eaten many delicious foods, from Thai to the old standard of the Fish Fry (although I opted for some chicken sandwich thing because I am not so hardcore that I can eat a bunch of fried fish and drink a great big beer - beer brewed right there in the next room over). They have also made a fine risotto and Chinese fish dish. And tonight, we shall have sushi at a nice Japanese joint downtown.

All of that is very nice and quite dull for you to read. But I am a girl who mostly eats sanwiches and cereal, as I am lazy and do not like cleaning dishes. And I seem to rarely go out to eat for some reason, possible because money. So this Eating thing I have been doing has been a highlight.

Another thing Wisconsin seems to have going for it is that the general atmosphere around here is subtley optimistic. As if people are glad that they live here, and are... happy! Even under the 2 feet of snow that is everywhere. You'd expect that they'd sit inside and be angry, like we do in Ohio. But no! They seem to instantly begin skiing and sledding and snow-mobiling and ice-fishing. They have little rosy cheeks and smiles on their faces. And it's kind of just cute.

It seems that in Ohio - at least around Cincinnati, the general mood of the area is depressed. Like every person there is dissatisfied with their lot in life and that they are downtrodden every step of the way. It's so bleak.

I rode a horse today.

It was really scary.

I mean, I'm a girl who likes horses a lot. I draw them and read about them and think they are pretty to look at. But I never really wanted to sit on top of one and try to control it. Jeff and Jillian decided that I needed a riding lesson though. So that's what I did all morning.

Here is some excerpt from when I told Jeremy about it. I would repeat it in new words and whole sentences for you kids, but my arms and brains are too tired to work up the right kind of enthusiasm.

Oh - many of you might just want to skip this part. I don't give a goddamned fuck!

Amanda: you fail to remember that i rode a horse today

OMGJeremy: ooh how'd that go
: i've mostly been clouded by anger all morning

Amanda: tiring as allll fuck
: you have to hold on with your legs!

OMGJeremy: :-x

Amanda: i apparently have no muscles at all
: i am clearly just a gelatinous mass of waste

OMGJeremy: was it scary

Amanda: yes
: yes it was
: i only walked though
: well, i trotted too
: until i was like " i think i am going to fall off and am terrified"
: then they allowed me to keep walking

OMGJeremy: i take you didn't ride a baby horse

Amanda: no
: its back came up to about my chin, i'd say
: which isnt all that big, i guess. but it seemed like it
: a tiny child rode the same horse before i did
: they had me brush it first
: and CLEAN ITS FEET!
: i had never ever ever done such a thing before
: i may have looked at the instructor lady like i didnt believe it
: i was like "me? i DO?"
: it was hard on the back feet
: their legs dont bend logically

OMGJeremy: i would have liked to have seen you clean it's feet

Amanda: actually, the brushing and then holding up of its legs tuckered me out
: my arms were shaking from exhaustion
: and THEN they were like "here's how a saddle goes on"
: and then, they undid it all
: and made me do it
: it involves a knot
: and then i led it to another barn, to an indoor arena and got on it
: i didnt fall
: go, me!

OMGJeremy: :D

Amanda: then there was this insane way to hold reins with your fingers just so, and you have to grip with your legs and push your heels down and the balls of your feet in the stirrups and toes going in and seatbowns firmly planted and back straight and feet in line with hips and look where you are going and when you want to turn you pull the right rein back and let the left go forward and press with your left leg and it will turn right
: and my brain bled
: *seatbones
: as you can see i cant even spell because my brains have been jarred, probably from the Trot

OMGJeremy: i was expecting you to gallop mightily

Amanda: and i went around the arena in circles then she had me turn around the other way and then i serpentined through cones
: i was proud of that - I never even turned one over. Or brushed one and had it teeter maddeningly!
: i think i can drive a car now
: and ski
: if i can guide a horse through cones - a horse that has done that same serpentining a zillion and one times - surely i can guide my own damn self via a thing that doesnt think at all
: then she was like "make the trot"
: and i did
: but i was clearly going to fly out of the saddle
: so i slowed down again
: and she was like "hold on with your legs like as if it were a bearhug with your legs"
: and i did try again
: but my legs...
: they are made of loose cotton
: they have absolutely no grip
: apparently sitting for hours in front of the computer does not build muscle in the legs

OMGJeremy: lord

Amanda: so i tried again, and got scared again
: i bounced like 3 feet off the saddle with each step
: so, again i stopped and said "you know.. i'm a bit terrified of the Trot"
: and they said that when i "get used to it" i will sit deeply in the saddle, and not flop around wildly
: and i laughed
: it must be some sort of riding kung fu
: where i root
: with my butt.

OMGJeremy: lol

Amanda: but, this was technically the first time i'd ever ridden a horse
: like, correctly
: and the first time in 39 years that I've ridden a horse at all
: so i felt uncomfortable with the trot.
: so then i circled more, and she had me remove my feet from the stirrups
: which i did
: i suppose it was teaching me to hold on with my legs
: it wasnt so bad
: then i circled the other way, serpentined again
: and had him walk on top of a box
: i felt like a trick rider
: i shall be doing equine stunts in hollywood soon enough
: i did that twice, and they were glad/amazed that he did not balk
: and then she had me make him stop and go on my command a few times
: which, at the start, she asked what i wanted to learn
: and i said "i would like to learn to make him go. and then to make him stop"
: mission accomplished!
: and the best part was getting off the horse
: because - i did not know this
: but you get off of a horse while it is still moving
: she said this and i laughed
: she also laughed
: and i said "you actually mean it, don't you?"
: and she said "yes"
: so i looked ahead for a minute
: and said "well, i might as well just do it"
: and i did!

: you were not trampled i see

Amanda: then i took him back to the other barn where i got to remove his tack, brush him again, clean out his feet again, put on his horse blanket, and fed him carrots and thanked him for not killing or trampling me

OMGJeremy: :D

Amanda: it was a happy ending
: except that my legs are still shakey, and my knees actually hurt a bit
: and my arms are also shaked
: shakey
: because horse legs are fucking heavy
: they hold them up for you
: for like the first 2 seconds
: and then they rest in your arms
: and its just one arm
: because the other is picking out gunk
: and then brushing out gunk

Wow that was horrid to read for those of you who don't like horseys. But it was a huge event for me. And now I am going to collapse in a heap of pain and aspirin.

Spectacular!

I know this happens for many, many of you daily - but this is unique for me: I woke up before the dawn.

Not because I wanted to exactly, but because I had to.

Today is the day I must do things. Things like going to Wisconsin and not getting the carsickness. Yes. I used to not get sick in the car. But then sometime within the past 3 years, I got weak. And now sitting in the back seat of the car is often a terrible terrible time.

And this car trip should take about 8 hours.

I am slightly apprehensive.

And the friends just called from the town nearby, so they ought to be here within 5 minutes.


I must go.


Hopefully this is not the last entry I make before I drop off of the planet. Because.. I don't really feel like dropping off of the planet at all. Which is to say, I hope I have reliable internet accesses and such.

You know what I mean.

Rargh!