It's About Time

I figure that it has been long enough since my last post to allow all of the helpful comments to be made by now. I think there was maybe one comment that could be used, possibly. I can't remember. Anyway, I can start posting again. Because we've got all of the use out of the last entry. Actually, that's a really bad excuse. I should have blogged more recently than this. I apologize.

Also, my sentences are kind of not that great today. Because of this, I will present to you readers that story Jeremy alluded to like nine thousand weeks ago when he visited me and we had a hard time at some restaurant. He said something like "ask Amanda because I could never do it justice." Or something. So I will relate it today. Finally.

But if I actually wrote it all down from scratch right here right now, I think it would fail miserably because I am not in a mindset that makes for good reading. Luckily for us all, I have saved an AIM conversation between Jeremy, XV, and myself, where we tell XV the story.

If things like this don't entertain you, then just imagine that I drew it in comic form. Because things like this are actually where I get the material for like 80% of all my comics. Enjoy.

XV: Tell me of the waiter.
Jeremy: Oh Jesus.
Amanda: He was a small spazz.

XV: As in stature? Or on the spazz scale?
Amanda: As in everything.
XV: Lawsy

Amanda: On the spazz scale, he was a medium. In stature, he was a little man with very large glasses and an even larger eternal grin. And his hair... it went straight up.
XV: Poor soul.

Amanda: And he walked really fast and silently with his arms always bent at the elbow. A spazz, xv.

Jeremy: I never looked at him directly since I'm sure I would have just exploded.
XV: hhahahaha

Amanda: I maintained eye contact with him; it was my ultimate undoing.

Jeremy: No wonder you were broken.
Amanda: That’s why I knew his eyes were blue and very clear. Not clear as in "with it" but clear as in "without thought."
Jeremy: You WAVED at him.
Amanda: I did.

Amanda: See, xv, we started out with this other waiter who was as close to perfect as a waiter can be. He brought us fresh drinks when our first drinks were still half-full and seemed to magically appear as soon as we both knew what we wanted.
Jeremy: This is honestly one of those things that is impossible to fully convey unless you were there and could witness the madness firsthand.

Amanda: But then... He was like "I am sorry, but I must go now. My shift has ended. THIS is your new waiter." The first waiter, too, sort of had the look of that actor who played Putty or whatever his name was on Seinfeld. Elaine's sometime boyfriend. So when he was introducing the new waiter - it was just alarming the difference between them as Waiter #2 appeared to come up to Waiter #1's chest. Waiter #1 was very with it, and nice and all those things. Waiter #2 was very very nice, yes, but.. so spastic. AND HIS VOICE --- I think I characterized it as some sort of backwards moon language.

XV: I envision old perfect waiter having gypsy fiddles as theme music and new waiter extensively utilizing tubas.
Jeremy: It was like looking at a beautiful piece of waiter art on the left, and then looking over to see a broken stick man.
XV: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaah this is perfect
Jeremy: I figured he just had the retardation

Amanda: Well, I instinctively waved at the new waiter because.. I'm me. And then I looked at him and the image in my head of the scene totally hit me: Beautiful waiter art, broken stick man, Amanda waving, looking shocked, Jeremy staring at the table, frozen with cheeseburger in hand.
Jeremy: It was sort of like a nuclear bomb of funny right then.

XV: I cannot stop laughing.
Amanda: Neither could I, as it turned out. I started laughing. Not right then thank god, but about 5 seconds after they had stepped away, leaving us to our meal.

Jeremy: I was trying not to so hard. I looked up at Amanda for support hoping she'd be the calm one, but she was broken
Amanda: I was shattered. I was laughing so hard that I was squeaking and gasping for air. I had my head down on the table.
Jeremy: I had to put my hamburger down.
Amanda: I heard through my haze of laughter Jeremy in this totally calm voice, "Amanda, I am going to put this cheeseburger down" like some sort of confusing threat, which only added to my laughter.
XV: eh heheheheheeeeeeee

Amanda: I think I laughed for 10 minutes. Seriously for ten minutes.
Jeremy: It was a hard time.

XV: I envision previous waiter as made of gold and new waiter as made of tin foil with WARNING! stickers all over him.
Jeremy: Pretty much.

Amanda: Wasn’t that when you were saying things loudly like "yes, I am obligated to take her out of the Home weekly"?
Jeremy: yes
XV: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Amanda: Eventually I calmed down, but i could tell that I was weak because I nearly soiled myself laughing. God, that was so awful. So loud. We started talking about unrelated things, which helped. But that little waiter… I'd see him buzz by in the background like a tiny, purposeful, dazed honeybee. So it was a lot of like .. about-to-break..
XV: This poor poor man. His only horrible deficiency was in being so flawed.

Amanda: Then there was a moment of silence. I am sure Jeremy expected that all was okay. But no. I was staring at my french fries and started thinking of that scene of waiter-related sorrow, and me waving, and Jeremy looking shaken. And in my head I imagined that if Mark were there, he would have stood up and shouted "GOODNIGHT, IRENE!" I again broke down and started laughing. I believe Jeremy started threatening me for real at this point.

Amanda: I was on the verge of getting it all under control.
Jeremy: He made it around to our table again asking us if we wanted a fudge cake.
Amanda: When the little waiter returned and said something about if we wanted dessert. I looked him in the eye and said "no, I think we are fine for today." Except I think I stumbled over words. But.. he didn’t move. So I looked, and he was slowly turning his focus to Jeremy. And I looked at Jeremy and Jeremy was staring at the corner of the booth, biting his bottom lip so hard that his face was deforming. And the waiter said.. in this voice…
Okay, his voice would get louder and slower, and faster, and quieter and he had an ungodly Southern accent. He said, I will try to do this in text: "you want AYhot fudgecayke?"
XV: ahahahahahahahahaahahaha

Jeremy:That was my end.
Amanda: I realized that Jeremy was about to break, so I TRIED to save him! I TRIED.
XV: Failed!

Amanda: I was like "no I [voice shaking] think we're [starting to laugh] fine for today. [laughing] We ARE! We ARE I mean it!"

XV: Did the walls erupt?
Jeremy: They did.
XV: Can't stop laughing…

Amanda: Because somewhere towards the end, I realized that maybe he wasn’t leaving because I wasn’t being dead-certain. I wasn’t saying "We are finished," I was just uncertainly saying that I THOUGHT we were. So i started being emphatic. While… while laughing in his face.
Jeremy: It was awful.

XV: Did he writhe in his damnation?
Amanda: I didn’t MEAN to laugh right in his face.
Jeremy: The amount of laughter, Amanda going straight at his face, me curling into the corner…
Amanda: It was crazy, uncontrollable laughter.
XV: I have been officially lolling for the past twenty minutes.

Amanda: I think he left then but I don’t know because I immediately put my face into my hands while laughing and laughing and laughing. I think I laughed for TWENTY minutes then.
XV: Dear Jesus.
Jeremy: I didn't think I could take anymore.

Amanda: And then I had to get my 5 exchanged for singles.
Jeremy: I needed Amanda to go pay.
Amanda: There was an elderly woman working the register, and I was psyching myself up for it. I was ready to tackle the event head on. I took a drink of my water, and Jeremy, trying to help me gain confidence, says "what could POSSIBLY go wrong?"
XV: there is a dramatic chord right there in the theme music

Amanda: And in my head, a voice shouted "Yeah!? Who ever laughs at ELDERLY PEOPLE EVER!!!???" And I managed to choke on a laugh/water.
Jeremy: We were at that point when ANYTHING would set us off.
Amanda: Which ultimately managed to pour directly out of my face and onto me. Even my shirt and pants. It was a time.
XV: Face firmly in hands, feeling shame for you.

Amanda: I think Jeremy was very close to murdering me at this point.
Jeremy: To look up and see water draining out of her mouth was the moment I knew we should possibly leave. Because I figured she had lost all bodily function by now.

Amanda: I dried myself off and started up to the counter.
Jeremy: You must understand by now we were completely broken in every way. I was hurting from laughter.
Amanda: I don’t even ever remember hearing you laugh, Jeremy. Probably because I was laughing so loudly that all I could hear was the blood threatening to blast out of my stomach from all of that laughter.
Jeremy: It was worse for me since I had to hold mine in with MUSCLES.
XV: Your diaphragm must be eight feet thick.

Amanda: I got up RIGHT AS the little waiter zoomed up to our table asking if he should take my plate.
Jeremy: I thought she just fucking ran from him. And if I had seen him, I would have too.
Amanda: I could not risk stopping, you see. So over my shoulder, I just shouted "YES take it please!"
Jeremy: I stared on in horror being alone with him.

Amanda: Then, to the lady, who wasn’t elderly, it was some other girl, I was like "can I exchange this five dollar bill for five singles please?" And she was like "yes," and I was like, a little too emphatically "oh thank god!!" And then tried to cover it up by saying ".. that will make things a LOT easier." while nodding.

Jeremy: I'm sure they thought we were on drugs.
Amanda: It is the only time I ever actually hoped everyone thought I was on drugs.

Amanda: We left him a $3 tip. GUILT TIPPING!
XV: hahahahahaaahaahaaaa
Amanda: the bill itself was only $10 i think
XV: Ten dollars for two people. What kind of crazy fantasy neverneverland do you freakish faggots live in?
Amanda: It is Ohioland.

XV: Ten dollars for two people AND YOU HAD WAITERS.
Amanda: That wasn’t even a cheap place, yo.

XV: WHAT!? WHAT!! NOT EVEN A CHEAP--?! FUCK YOU]
Jeremy: No
Amanda: Nope!
XV: FUCK YOU BOTH! I SWEAR! ONE DAY I WILL WEAR YOU LIKE COATS!
Amanda: Cheap places are like $5 or $6 for 2 people.

XV: MY LAST DATE WAS OVER A HUNDRED BUCKS AT A FUCKING TGI FRIDAYS!
Amanda: Move out of that god forsaken NYC FAGGOT TOWN!
Jeremy: Jesus fuck.

XV: I ARTELJFDJSD;lgsd fhys fgjdxfgjdsfg WHORES

A Blog Entry of Wonder and Possibly Also of Strife

This website has been around for five years. We supply everyone in the world who bothers to read what we have to say with an amount of entertaining material that at first seems infinite, until you read it all and come to the end. But then you wait for the updates! The updates are irregular and fickle, like a girlfriend would be. And not just any girlfriend, but a girlfriend you'd want to MARRY.

Am I making sense? Your subconscious mind is picking up what I'm saying and if you don't understand me now, pay attention to your dreams for the next three weeks. Then come back and read this blog entry and you will say "Oh yeah. NOW I know what she means and GODDAMN she is so right."

What I am meaning to say is that this website is like royalty and a perfect wine and a flying magic carpet AND an albino camel with three humps and golden teeth and emeralds for eyes ALL AT ONCE. Surely that entitles us to some sort of money-making right. I hear all of this talk of "potential" but that potential isn't paying the bills!

Why are we not making the $70 per month that we'd need to make the site simply pay for itself? Is that too much to ask? I am sure all of you agree that it is not too much to ask and if any of you think that it IS too much to ask then I hate you! No I don't baybee, I don't hate you. C'mon sugarpumpkin, I take it back. You'll pay our bills monthly? My and by extension everyone affiliated with this site's hero!

If only it were that easy.

It's not that easy though. So can I get a long list of suggestions from you kids? I bet you have bright minds and good business sense. I mean, you're our readers, so you MUST be completely brilliant shining stars.

We love you.

Mwah!

Why Does My Tea Taste Like TheraFlu?

Yeah, that's what I said. This glass of tea I am drinking tastes like TheraFlu, one of the most disgusting hot medicines I have ever tasted in my life. In fact, when I had the flu all those years ago and I desperately tried the TheraFlu, I nearly vomited immediately because I felt like I was drinking a cup of fresh, hot vomit. How is that supposed to soothe a kid with a stomach flu? Horrible.

Besides that, I want to take up an issue with you readers, since I know every single one of you regularly check these blogs to see what we have to complain about THIS time. These article submissions... We have to talk.

I am guessing those of you who have submitted writings to us have read over the Writing Submission Guidelines. Or, you have noticed that we are accepting submissions and immediately sent them to us without giving enough of a fuck to actually read what we had to say to you on the matter. Let me remind you of some of the more important parts:

1.) We said about 4500 times that you had better proofread your own material, because we are a lot less forgiving than we used to be. So what do we get? Submissions with the email messages starting off with "Okay, this isn't proofread or anything," that is what we get. Baffling.

2.) We aren't really looking for worn out, tired, unfunny, or unoriginal material. Please stop sending it.

3.) Keep trying. Just because Mark had to write you a rejection letter doesn't mean that you should despair. Practice makes perfect and everything like that. Just please practice a lot until you think you have something that is actually great and THEN send it to us. Don't send us the practice drafts.

I am already getting distracted from my list of submission-related complaints! What else do I have on the shelves in the bitter old woman part of my brain? Oh, yes! As some of you may remember, I have a ferret now named Huxley. Since I take the responsibility of being a pet owner quite seriously, I have done things like join Ferret Information Mailing Lists and such here on the Internet. I am getting a lot of good information on the care of pet ferrets, but I am also getting a lot of rage from reading some of these terrible posts in it. Mostly, my anger and contempt is aimed at the sort of people who feel that it is cute and even necessary to pretend to be their own pet emailing the group. That is awful in the first place, but even worse is that they can never seem to give the pet an intelligent tone of voice! It is always child-like and monumentally retarded in nature, being very simple and rife with god-awful mispellings. It makes me want to react with violence. But instead, I will probably just be inspired to finally write an article for this next update. That's a piece of good news so far in this blog entry. Go, me!

I'll just take a moment now to complain about the OMGJ Radio Endeavor and WoW before I end this.

Yes. Right. So everyone here at OMGJ is mostly in an excited whirl over this Radio Potential. Or at least, they tell me that they are. And yet no one is really even working on it. It seems that various games (mostly World of Warcraft, of course. STILL) seem to keep many of us people busy. Not me, of course, but again I am not the most excited about this project in our group. Don't get me wrong, I am happy about the chance, but my lifelong dream has not been to be on a radio program. So, hopefully, we will snap out of it and figure shit out quickly, or else I will have to nag and complain some more. Because that is all I am good for on certain days, you know.

God damn.

Blast and Damnation!

It was my hope to see Kung Fu Hustle today while out and about, but the movie theaters defeated me! The first place which had it LAST week appeared to have replaced it with that XXX Civil Defense, or Jury Duty, or President's Day or whatever it is called. What IS it called? Who cares because I will never ever ever see it!

So we found a second movie theater which indeed had Kung Fu Hustle at it. But it was closed. We peaked through the windows for a long time only to see that the earliest movies started at 4:30pm. It was 2pm at the time. It was frustrating. Also, the matinees were $6, which seems to be an outrageous amount of money for such a thing.

But I must see it.

I also wish to see that Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy flick if I hear anything good about it. Has anyone here seen it yet? Is it good?

I am very particular about watching films. I am getting better at watching them, though. When I was younger, I very rarely wanted to see anything. Because, if I don't like one aspect of the plot, or even just one actor or actress, it's like the entire movie has wasted my time. And I can think of an almost endless amount of things that I'd rather be doing with 90 minutes of my life than sit and watch a movie I hate. It is even worse at the cinemas because I become enraged if I have wasted 90 minutes of my life AND $8 or more. Hate so much.

I also don't like movies that depress me, usually. Or anything very violent or sex-filled. I don't really like most comedies, either, because I usually think the humor is trite and idiotic and I get angry over it. I am a very bad person to watch films with, probably.

So it's strange that I have at least one movie that I would like to pay as much as $9 to view in a movie theater. But, it's strange to me that Stephen Chow is actually getting a movie played all over the place that hasn't been butchered and altered and dubbed. We should all support it as much as possible so that they will keep releasing his films here.

Yes please.