This is a Blog Entry without Almonds

Yes. Without almonds. Because I am a girl without almonds. There are no almonds in me, there aren't any near me, the cereal box sitting next to me does not even contain one single almond. Even though it has the word "ALMONDS" in all capital letters on it. The catch is that it was preceded by the word "without," which was NOT in capitalized letters.

This is a shame, and it has led me into writing my very first letter of complaint as a consumer. I don't know that even Old Man Mark has gone this far in his Old Person Bitterness. We are all of us doomed.

In the spaces that follow, know that I am actually filling out their "customer comment" form. I was searching for the Complaint Department. And then I started searching for the THIS IS NOT not THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT. And then searched for Compliment Department. But "customer comments" is the only thing even remotely related to what I am about to do. Hold on.


Product Name: HONEY CRISP MEDLEY CEREAL (without) ALMONDS

To: the Kroger Company
From: amanda@omgjeremy.com


To Whom It May Concern:

So, I bought this cereal called HONEY CRISP MEDLEY CEREAL Without ALMONDS Toasted Multi-Grain Flakes with Honey Oat Clusters the other day. The following morning, I proceeded to dine on this cereal, and found that it was sort of lacking in the Almonds Department. It was then that I realized that you have packaged your product in a somewhat misleading way.

Now, I know that it isn't entirely your fault that I did not read OR comprehend the word "without" on the product. However, I feel that I am not entirely to blame. When you are at a crowded grocery store, being overwhelmed by the nineteen billion different cereals on the shelves, you are operating under the notion that you kind of want to get out of there as soon as possible. You read what the cereals have to offer, you grab, and you run. At least that's what you do if you are like me.

Being manufacturers of several Kroger Brand products, I am certain that your company has tested the consumer market. So I am not about to start shouting wild speculations... Well, except for this one wild speculation that just won't keep quiet: Don't you think it makes a whole lot more sense to list what is IN the product, rather than just ONE thing that happens to NOT be in the product?

What are you trying to do? Trick us good almond-loving folk??

I noticed that the packaging does not say HONEY CRISP MEDLEY CEREAL Without ALMONDS & RAISINS Toasted Multi-Grain Flakes with Honey Oat Clusters, and yet along with the lack of ALMONDS, I have not seen one raisin in this box of cereal. Or perhaps there are tiny granules of raisin AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT ALMONDS.

Please, start making HONEY CRISP MEDLEY CEREAL Without ANTIFREEZE Toasted Multi-Grain Flakes with Honey Oat Clusters but NO Asbestos, Whatsoever.

Wait, you really don't need to do that, because usually when something ISN'T listed on a box of cereal, that usually means that it ISN'T in there. OR HAVE I BEEN MISTAKEN ALL THESE YEARS!? Well, no, I think I would have noticed by now if my cereals had contained bolts, mittens, puppies, astronaut helmets, or barn red acrylic paint. But I never saw my cereal boxes mention that it did not contain any of those items.

Now, I am sorry if I am coming off as some crazed dame who is freaking out a bit too much about the lack of almonds in a cereal that clearly announces that it is WITHOUT them, but damn it. I really wanted almonds. If you hadn't had the word on there, I probably wouldn't have picked it up. Or, if I had, later, I would have been all "Woops! I must have picked up the wrong one." But because you actually wrote "without almonds" on it, in a VERY suspicious way, I might add... All capital letters except for "without"? That's just madness! But because of that, I have been driven to write my very first rant as a consumer.

Thanks, Kroger. You've turned me into a 72 year old woman over breakfast!

Now, I am going to eat this box of cereal. Because I am starved, there aren't many choices around this house, and because I don't believe in wasting food. HOWEVER! The next time I buy a Kroger brand anything, I will be certain to look it over for any catches like this no almonds thing. I will view you with suspicion, Kroger! Until you win me back! Until my bitterness over the almonds is at an end! And I don't know when that will be.

Sincerely,

Amanda Wood, consumer.


That was therapeutic.

When and if they respond, I will tell you about it. Also, if they revoke my Kroger Card.. well then that will bring about the Great Amanda vs. Kroger Wars. And it will not be pretty.